marriage & kids

OK-- is this is a subject that has come up with me over and over again. AND I think I am very unique, as a female, in my views and opinions.

on marriage & kids:
I have been proposed to three times in my life by three different men and each time I said no. It's not that I didn't love them, its just that I didn't feel like I needed to have the state get involved in my personal affairs, PLUS, I couldn't imagine being with these people forever. When I first met my boyfriend, it was two weeks after getting out of a relationship with my ex, who I was with for two years, and I was still in contact with him. So I met Johnny and instantly knew that he was special. We spent every second together and in the first week a lot changed for me. He signed a lease to a beautiful pre-war apartment in Brooklyn with hardwood floors, high ceilings, and original moldings. I was living in my own three bedroom apartment on the Lower East Side of Manhattan with a view of Brooklyn, The Empire State Building and living in the center of all the action, bars, clubs, etc. Nevertheless, I left my LES apartment and moved into this new home back in Brooklyn. Also in the first week of us meeting, he surprised me with something. I was at my friends block party drinking and having a good time, when I see him walking up the block, he pulls down the collar of his shirt and shows me a tattoo of my name right over his heart! I thought he was insane! Who does that? What if he got the spelling wrong, after all, he only knew me for a week. The following week he asked me to marry him. I said yes, it was such an intense relationship, everything about it was different and so engulfing, I didn't want the surprises to ever end. We looked into city hall weddings. THEN I freaked out and said I didn't want to get married anymore! And I haven't changed my mind since. It's just that I don't know ANYONE that is happy married after 30 or 40 years, its like a death trap for your soul!

Similar things have happened to me in passed relationships, my 2nd boyfriend proposed to me, ring and all, down on one knee type of thing, I was like wooo, no way buddy! Not in so many words, but he understood. I broke up with him after that. I was only 19 years old after all, not even old enough to drink at my own wedding! lol. Then my next boyfriend, he was all wrong for me, but we were in love anyway for some reason. He continuously told me throughout the whole two years that he wanted to spend his life with me, get married and have kids. I told him from the get-go how I feel about all that and I think it made him want to do it more, cause he was always afraid of losing me. (Guys are just as insecure as girls) One night I tried to break up with him, and I went to sleep, the next morning, I found that he carved my name into his arm as a sign that I will always be with him, even if we are not together. I thought that was sweet, but a bit crazy. Anyway, we eventually broke up, I had to let him go, he was not the one for me even though I love him to death. My name is still scared in his arm.

So now here I am, about to be 27 years old. And I still have no desire to get married or have kids. I think when you decide to do that, you are making a choice to lose a part of your identity, lose a part of your freedom, and your life will never be the same again. I happen to like my life the way it is now. If I have kids, I wont have the freedom of leaving my house to go have coffee or drinks with my girlfriends, I'll have to dress the baby up and slug it along, or try to find a babysitter and pay for the time I'm out (well, Johnny's mom lives next door and she can stay with the baby, BUT STILL). Plus, I'll always be wondering if the baby is OK. My life will just never be the same again! goshh... I cant imagine how people have kids and get married at such a young age. I bet when they are older they regret it and realize that they missed out on the best time of their single, freedom loving lives, their 20's!

Anyway, this blog is not to say that I'll never get married, I think I've found a great guy that would be a great father. All I'm saying is that marriage is not in my future at the moment, at least not until I'm 32-33. Until then, I'll enjoy traveling, meeting new people, and being gorgeous and free! But if I do report that I'm engaged soon, don't be surprised, I'm a very fickle person!

Cheers to all the mothers and wifes out there. I commend you, I could never do it, nor do I want to!