sadness

I've done too much to turn back
 and I've done too much to move on.

Still so sad, but getting by day-by-day.

The first stages of separation: How I'm coping

So yesterday started out pretty bad, understandably. I was brought to terms with what my future would be. I faced the reality that the life I planned for myself and my husband would not exist anymore, the fairy tale life we lived did not have a happy ending.

So I cried and cried, and cried some more. I cried in my house, I cried outside, I cried in the coffee shop, I cried on the phone, I cried in the train station.

Then I stopped.

I took control of myself and my emotions and refused to sit and be sad any longer. It was time to make a change, starting with the apartment we shared together. I thought, if I am going to be happy, I have to make my apartment happy. So I transplanted all of my plants I gave them new soil and fertilizer. I spoke to them and strategically placed them around the house in areas that they would be content. My heart was happy as I was taking care of them.

Next thing I did was take all the pictures of my husband down and replace the pictures in the frame with happy memories of people that I know would never hurt me, family and friends.

Then I hopped on my bike (I still cant run because of my injuries) and went on a 10-mile bike ride through Brooklyn, it was a beautiful sunny day and I felt the sun kissing my cheeks, it was magnificent. I didn't want to go back home! But I did, I took a cool shower, smothered my body with Aloe Vera and sweet smelling perfume, took off my wedding ring, once and for all (no reason for living a false hope and posing as a married woman) and I headed out to Bushwick Brooklyn for some authentic salsa dancing.

I felt complete. I made MYSELF feel complete. NO ONE ELSE makes me feel complete but ME. By the end of the night, I walked through my door and the energy of my apartment was different. It was welcoming, it wasn't sad as it once was. 

I knew that everything would be okay, because I'm in charge of my own destiny.

I dictate my own life and it will be a happy one surrounded by people that want to be with me, that will be there for me no matter what. I wouldn't have it any other way!

xo

(inspired Mendoza)

my one last hope:

I had one last hope that I would walk through my house door today and see my husband.

He had a flight to come back to NYC.

But he never got on the plane...

I'm left alone and abandoned.

I have to move on.

my relationship memorial blog

2009: The first picture we ever took together at a Mexican Restaurant in Malaga, Spain. I put my hand in his and he held it, not letting it go for what seemed like forever. I knew from this moment I would be his para siempre. It felt right.

Let me rewind for a bit. We met at work, in an elementary school, I was teaching English and he was teaching Spanish. 

It was like a fairy tale. We took long walks on the beach, went on mini vacations around Spain together, and spent every evening just enjoying each others company:

Then the summer came and it was time for me to go back to NYC for 3 months. It was sad, but Spanish guy came to visit me for two weeks. We did all the touristy stuff:

After a great summer in NYC, it was time for me to return to Spain. This time I had an apartment waiting for me, with Spanish guy. It was his first time living away from his family and it was a HUGE risk for me, living in another country with a guy, I had to have complete trust in him, and I did. We built a home together on calle jinetes de mierda, pero para nosotros no era mierda, era bliss, pure bliss:

I stayed there for 9 months. During that time, we celebrated holidays, spent time with friends, traveled to Barcelona, and Valencia and about 10 other Spanish towns, we did fun and silly things, we were pretty silly when we were around each other, it was amazing.

I wanted to stay in Spain forever, but I didn't get my job contract renewed, and thats when things changed. Spanish guy proposed to me and we were SOOOO happy! We made plans to come to NYC so that he can get to know my family, friends and culture before he married me, and thats what he did. We built a NYC life together:

painted the apartment

went apple picking

we celebrated American holidays together:

We had our engagement party which was one of the best parties that I could have ever imagined!

Then came the big day. We were both so emotional. I couldn't even speak as I was saying my vows and neither could he. I had a huge lump in my throat trying not to cry. I was committing myself to the man of my dreams. I had given myself to someone 100%, I've NEVER done that before, EVER-- WITH ANYONE! and I felt so good and confident with our future:

Then we went on our honeymoon to Miami and Key West, it was so fun, so romantic, everything was perfect,

 this was the last picture we took together:

ten days later he left.

one month later he did the unthinkable while in spain. the trust was broken, and so was my heart.

2011 (today), more than two years since that day I met him in the elementary school, en la sala de professores: i know I will never see him again. 

he doesn't know if he is in love with me.

he doesn't want to be married.

he is not coming back to nyc.

I cant really say that I am getting divorced, because I never really had a marriage. He never gave it a chance, WE never had a chance to make this work. So I have finally accepted it and am making it known that this happy relationship that we shared is officially over.

Who would have known that that day in March, that cold morning when I said goodbye to him... who knew that that would be forever?

This blog is my relationship memorial. I mourn the man that I had in my life since 2009, but not the man he is now. I don't like the man he has become and I'm not sad to leave this new man. 

This blog is a celebration of our relationship and an opportunity to let go. I've accepted the end, but for me its a new beginning.

Marriage Equality, NYC

Its about time! EQUAL RIGHTS FOR ALL! We still have a long way to go in this country but this was a huge step!

my summer accident

I'm sure you all already know that I am  a CLUTZ, but I bet you didn't think that I would fall as I was running, ON NOTHING, no trip, no twist of the ankle, nothing, just me running, then me on the ground!

This happened on Friday morning and it was so bad that I got the wind knocked out of me and the ambulance came. I have bruised ribs and cut up knees and hands (again). I had my last race this morning, in my five race series and I couldn't make it (The gay pride 5 miler, I would have been proud to run it after the GREAT news that Gay Marriage was legalized!). I'm sore from the shock and my knee is pretty torn up. Sucks. But its better that this happened now rather than later on in the summer (because knowing me, it was guaranteed to happen at least once this summer).

No sports for me this weekend. I have to heal. Luckily the people that I've been with have cars and can drive me where we have to go, otherwise I wouldn't be able to walk!

Life is interesting, isn't it? Bruised ribs from falling, REALLY?

unexpected moments

Walking down a brooklyn street when all of a sudden it started downpouring. We took cover under a small awning, and this was the result, the funnest times are the unexpected moments:

Life shouldn't be planned to a T, otherwise you miss out on the small pleasures.

working from home= FREEDOM!

I'm working from a coffee shop today creating curriculum for my summer students and (obviously) blogging.

I love these days were I have the freedom to work where I want. I'm done with my students for this semester (they just screened their film at HBO and it was a huge success!), so it's only administrative things that I have to do and I can do that anywhere! :D

Happy (work) days!

the future step family

I met my future step mom and step sister on Sunday during our fathers day celebrations. I have to admit, it was a bit awkward, especially considering that they announced that they are getting married on Thursday, four days after I met her. She really doesn't speak much English, (but who am I to talk, right, I married a European too)

My new step sister and my ex-step sister:

 my new step mother:

weird. 

but I wish them the best.

A day to remember

I've been back in NYC for a year now after being in Spain for two years and there are some things that I've adapted to from the Spanish culture that I just love, one of which is having a Summer Wine, Tinto de Verano, during the summer months when I'm outside in the heat during a social event. 

Speaking of social events, this weekend was the annual Mermaid Parade at Coney Island. I tried to continue the Spanish way of socializing by inviting all my friends to enjoy the parade and have Summer Wine with me on the beach, but only one of them had interest. The cool thing is that while we were sitting at the beach bar, a group of about six international financial advisors came to our table to share with us and became our friends! That was really nice and unique. All in all the day was one of the best Coney Island experiences I've had. 

Definitely a time to remember!

Next year we want TO BE in this Parade!! :D

LAYERS TO LIFE: my upcoming journey

So I'm super DUPER excited (and when I add duper after super you know I'm serious!) because I'm going to the BIG EASY, you know, Louisiana-- NEW ORLEANS! I've never been and I can't wait.

Theres something about exploring new places that is so appealing to me. I would travel every moment I get if I could! And the truth is, that IS what I'm doing.

I decided that this blog (and my life) is about:

• traveling
• friends
• running
• partying
• and sometimes work

These are the things that I love most in life and that I cherish most, human experience rather than materialism like most people, especially Americans. I want to be full of layers and textures, not flat and empty!

Anyway, the Big Easy is a callin! woot-woot!

living it UP! All negative turns into positive! Im taking an active role in making that happen!

change

A wise man named Socrates once said, "The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but on building the new."

I am gaining wisdom through life's experiences and constant and unequivocal change. I have the strength and the passion I need to go through it successfully without looking back. 

HERE-I-GO! 

Onward and Upward!

new friends

(I'm trying to make up for all the missed time in the past week without blogging)

I have a new group of friends that live in Staten Island. I've been hanging out at their house almost every weekend. They are friends of my friend. They are so handsome and cool to be around.  Its so beautiful to build relationships with people and discover similarities, laugh together and build new memories! :D

Im blessed.

Niagara Falls

I've been a tourist/traveler/adventurer in my own country this past year and it's been great. I've been in NYC for a year now and I've seen and been to so many places since then, including, Miami, Fort Lauderdale, The Keys, California, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and my latest trip was to Niagara Falls with my cousins that were visiting from Florida. The journey up there was LONG! BUT... once we got there, it was amazing! We took a boat right under the falls, through the mist that was created by the power of the water dropping. The mist on our faces and the movement of the rapids brought so many emotions to me, I wanted to stay there forever! ah... one can only wish.

It was fantastic. I throughly enjoyed myself! Here are a few moments captured by my family and I. Niagara Falls by day and night: