I'm running in life circles!

Holy SHizzit-- Im single again.

I have a problem in relationships... I cant stay in them for a long time. Or maybe that's actually not a problem... I don't know anymore, I'm so confused and in a daze. Once I get too close to someone, I push them away, not intentionally, it just ALWAYS happens that way. I think I'm so SCARED to be with someone and to have someone truly love me that I freak out, then I leave them, then we are sad, then I do it all over again with the next person.
OKAY, I don't want to get too personal on blogger, but, you understand me, no?

I guess practice makes perfect, I thought Spanish guy was perfect, but obviously I was wrong, but that means that ANOTHER ONE will come soon. I have to pull myself together and get over my past before that, because obviously, 25 years later I'm still affected by my childhood. Crazy how the decisions that parents make affect the WHOLE life of the child! geezzz... thanks parents! And I'm not using them as an excuse, but come on!!! Its TRUE!

Well, I would like to go back to New York so I can have the comfort of my family there, I don't want to go through another heartbreak in a foreign country alone, but I think I will... because I feel like this is my home, so I am going to stay home and deal with it! I don't want to make it too public, so I'll only write on here when its really bad... like right now.

I gasp for air, I constantly wipe the sadness streaming down my puffy cheeks, I long for the day that i will be okay, that I will not be scared of love, the day that I will let someone in to love me completely, unconditionally, and someone that will NEVER leave me alone, no matter what. That is the love that I long for and that is the love that I am waiting for but first I have to prepare myself for it.

I need to stop running. Stop running Mendoza!

I PROMISE I wont run from the next one... I won't.